*Warning triggers*: “honesty is the best policy”said a friend. 

So. Maybe now isn’t the right time. Or maybe it is. I just don’t know. So here goes. 

Right now. I have Nobody to tell the battle that’s going through my head. 

I’ve briefly touched in my depression and my mental health on a previous post. But here’s a bit more. Well maybe a lot more. 

So, I’ve suffered from mental health issues for about 12 years or so. And only in the last couple of years have I been able to understand and put together and make sence of things. I’ve had various types and extensive counselling and therapy and seen many people. 

Ever sit there and just want to scream. “You’ve got no idea how it feels to want and need to cut deep. To draw blood. Inflict the pain and have that punishment.” It’s literally taking everything at the moment to not revisit. Everyday I have the constant reminder of my past. Engraved like roads. That have to be hidden and affect what I wear etc. 

The release is what I need and nothing yet gives the same relief. I am trying so hard not to revisit. And stay strong but it’s easier said than done. Some days it’s easier than others some days it’s louder than others.

Why do I do it? Right? Simple question. But is it. I used to punish myself with restricting food aswell but now I’m better with food because I have to cook for my partner and it’s not as easy to get away with. Some days I just can’t eat anything but those days are further apart. Cutting gives me instant relief of the built up feelings and emotions like nothing else does. The punishment and control and release. Combined is why I have to. 

For anyone else that’s reading that fights the same battle. Don’t be afraid to reach out. I’ll help you in any way I can. I’ve got to stay strong. And resist it. And I know you can too. 

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