Will I ever get better?

A question I ask myself everyday. A question I really wish I knew the answer too. If only I had a crystal ball to look into deeply.

**I will give a trigger warning for self harm just to be on the safe side. It’s not in depth but more the results of**

I always feel like my mental health battle is always there. It either haunts me or makes the past actions ruin the now. Can I let it not ruin it? On one hand yes – I guess I could. But in reality it’s just not that simple. The scars mentally and physically.

So, let’s get real. I’m 27. And the results of years of self harm is very obvious. And no it wasn’t just a teenage thing. This was early -mid 20s too. I always did it in a place it wasn’t visible. Meaning now – I can’t wear shorts in the summer, if and when I go swimming I have to wear long shorts. I guess on one hand I could just accept it and not hide it – and in theory that would be awesome. But I don’t have the confidence to do that. I’m very self conscious and I don’t think I will ever be at peace with it. So, it affects what I can wear and I think it always will.

When I’m struggling I revert to bad eating habits. I still try to punish me. I have more awareness of it now but I still fall back into it- I still can’t let go of all my coping methods. My security blanket. I don’t know. When stuff goes wrong or my mental health falls they’re what catch me.

However. The impact of my previous really bad mental health episodes now affects the the grown up things like life insurance.

So what I’m getting at is there is always that constant reminder. There is always something that keeps it present even when I’m doing ok. Now add into the mix the days that aren’t the ok days. They are still there. No rhyme or reason but they are still there. They still affect me. I’ve got more awareness of it but that isn’t enough. That doesn’t just stop it. I hope that as my awareness grows that maybe that might become enough but for now – the question is still – will I get better? Will I ever get closure and peace.

It isn’t just the aftermath of the results of. There is still the feeling and paranoia and irrational thinking on those days when it is actually happening.

I just wish – like many others – I just want to know if I’m ever going to get better. For now I’m guessing the answer would be no. It’s strength and being able to let go that will see me through. So for now my walk through treacle continues.


*Warning triggers*: “honesty is the best policy”said a friend. 

So. Maybe now isn’t the right time. Or maybe it is. I just don’t know. So here goes. 

Right now. I have Nobody to tell the battle that’s going through my head. 

I’ve briefly touched in my depression and my mental health on a previous post. But here’s a bit more. Well maybe a lot more. 

So, I’ve suffered from mental health issues for about 12 years or so. And only in the last couple of years have I been able to understand and put together and make sence of things. I’ve had various types and extensive counselling and therapy and seen many people. 

Ever sit there and just want to scream. “You’ve got no idea how it feels to want and need to cut deep. To draw blood. Inflict the pain and have that punishment.” It’s literally taking everything at the moment to not revisit. Everyday I have the constant reminder of my past. Engraved like roads. That have to be hidden and affect what I wear etc. 

The release is what I need and nothing yet gives the same relief. I am trying so hard not to revisit. And stay strong but it’s easier said than done. Some days it’s easier than others some days it’s louder than others.

Why do I do it? Right? Simple question. But is it. I used to punish myself with restricting food aswell but now I’m better with food because I have to cook for my partner and it’s not as easy to get away with. Some days I just can’t eat anything but those days are further apart. Cutting gives me instant relief of the built up feelings and emotions like nothing else does. The punishment and control and release. Combined is why I have to. 

For anyone else that’s reading that fights the same battle. Don’t be afraid to reach out. I’ll help you in any way I can. I’ve got to stay strong. And resist it. And I know you can too.