Will I ever get better?

A question I ask myself everyday. A question I really wish I knew the answer too. If only I had a crystal ball to look into deeply.

**I will give a trigger warning for self harm just to be on the safe side. It’s not in depth but more the results of**

I always feel like my mental health battle is always there. It either haunts me or makes the past actions ruin the now. Can I let it not ruin it? On one hand yes – I guess I could. But in reality it’s just not that simple. The scars mentally and physically.

So, let’s get real. I’m 27. And the results of years of self harm is very obvious. And no it wasn’t just a teenage thing. This was early -mid 20s too. I always did it in a place it wasn’t visible. Meaning now – I can’t wear shorts in the summer, if and when I go swimming I have to wear long shorts. I guess on one hand I could just accept it and not hide it – and in theory that would be awesome. But I don’t have the confidence to do that. I’m very self conscious and I don’t think I will ever be at peace with it. So, it affects what I can wear and I think it always will.

When I’m struggling I revert to bad eating habits. I still try to punish me. I have more awareness of it now but I still fall back into it- I still can’t let go of all my coping methods. My security blanket. I don’t know. When stuff goes wrong or my mental health falls they’re what catch me.

However. The impact of my previous really bad mental health episodes now affects the the grown up things like life insurance.

So what I’m getting at is there is always that constant reminder. There is always something that keeps it present even when I’m doing ok. Now add into the mix the days that aren’t the ok days. They are still there. No rhyme or reason but they are still there. They still affect me. I’ve got more awareness of it but that isn’t enough. That doesn’t just stop it. I hope that as my awareness grows that maybe that might become enough but for now – the question is still – will I get better? Will I ever get closure and peace.

It isn’t just the aftermath of the results of. There is still the feeling and paranoia and irrational thinking on those days when it is actually happening.

I just wish – like many others – I just want to know if I’m ever going to get better. For now I’m guessing the answer would be no. It’s strength and being able to let go that will see me through. So for now my walk through treacle continues.


How are you?

A question always asked. But how do you really answer it? 

I’m ok? I’m alrite? Yea good thanks?

Do you completely ignore it and ask in return?

Or do you actually answer exactly how you are? 

My entire life has always been the first ones. Yea ok, alrite ta etc. It’s been a real challenge to actually answer the question honestly. And to be honest most conversations still get that answer. A few people know that’s my default and will push me further – and I always try to keep that answer strong. Some people know me and will push for an actual answer. But why do we not answer honestly from the start? Why do we feel the need to hide. 

Is it denial? Is it not wanting to let people in? Is it because we think it’s weakness? Is it because it will make it real? Or make us insecure? Is it because we think the other person has enough going on, or maybe they have only asked because it’s the done thing? 

What about. Maybe. Just maybe they asked because they actually care and want to know how you are. Your best friend, partner or even a complete stranger.

 So next time you get asked. Think about how you’re going to answer. What have you got to loose?