Will I ever get better?

A question I ask myself everyday. A question I really wish I knew the answer too. If only I had a crystal ball to look into deeply.

**I will give a trigger warning for self harm just to be on the safe side. It’s not in depth but more the results of**

I always feel like my mental health battle is always there. It either haunts me or makes the past actions ruin the now. Can I let it not ruin it? On one hand yes – I guess I could. But in reality it’s just not that simple. The scars mentally and physically.

So, let’s get real. I’m 27. And the results of years of self harm is very obvious. And no it wasn’t just a teenage thing. This was early -mid 20s too. I always did it in a place it wasn’t visible. Meaning now – I can’t wear shorts in the summer, if and when I go swimming I have to wear long shorts. I guess on one hand I could just accept it and not hide it – and in theory that would be awesome. But I don’t have the confidence to do that. I’m very self conscious and I don’t think I will ever be at peace with it. So, it affects what I can wear and I think it always will.

When I’m struggling I revert to bad eating habits. I still try to punish me. I have more awareness of it now but I still fall back into it- I still can’t let go of all my coping methods. My security blanket. I don’t know. When stuff goes wrong or my mental health falls they’re what catch me.

However. The impact of my previous really bad mental health episodes now affects the the grown up things like life insurance.

So what I’m getting at is there is always that constant reminder. There is always something that keeps it present even when I’m doing ok. Now add into the mix the days that aren’t the ok days. They are still there. No rhyme or reason but they are still there. They still affect me. I’ve got more awareness of it but that isn’t enough. That doesn’t just stop it. I hope that as my awareness grows that maybe that might become enough but for now – the question is still – will I get better? Will I ever get closure and peace.

It isn’t just the aftermath of the results of. There is still the feeling and paranoia and irrational thinking on those days when it is actually happening.

I just wish – like many others – I just want to know if I’m ever going to get better. For now I’m guessing the answer would be no. It’s strength and being able to let go that will see me through. So for now my walk through treacle continues.


It’s just a number. 

So, I’ve been trying to loose weight. You know like the stereotypical view of a woman. Over the last 5 years I have  gained a lot of weight mostly because of my medication. But of course some of that is eating shit too. I can’t lie about that. In those 5 years I’ve had over a year off work sick and my health hasn’t been great. 

So far I’ve lost a stone and a half. Which don’t get me wrong I’m happy about it but I look at the number on the scales. I look at the number on the labels. It’s just a number. But it’s not. I’m sick of it being so slow but whatever I do it’s not speeding up. So getting ready for work this morning – things are baggy and shapeless. So I leave for work not particularly happy about what I have put on. 

I’ve said I want to get back to where I was before all my weight gain and this is looking further away each week when I step on the scales. It’s just a number. So stood at the bus stop this morning and I was looking back on my music profile page and begin to realise a few things. Mainly that I am trying to get back to a size that I previously achieved by being anorexic and having food issues. Now I’m not talking about the typical body image that comes into mind when you say anorexic- not the so skinny they’ll snap look or the protruding bones – don’t get me wrong – I had some but not rediculosly. I’m better with food now. I get some days where I can’t get in the right headspace but mostly fine. But it makes me wander. Am I trying to get back to something that isn’t really possible? 

I mean this is the first time that I’ve even come close to recognising my previous position. Does it make me feel this is unrealistic or inachievable. No. it probly should but I still want/need to get there. Who knows if I will.