A weird contradictory title right? I know. How can numb and feeling be together. Well let me try to explain.
I’m determined not to scrap this as I want it to actually reflect and say how I feel. Knowing me and going by previous attempts I seem to scrap before complete.
So. The reason behind the title – I keep looking at this blank page. This very page. On a screen – be it phone or computer – I look at it. I have so much I want to write but have no idea how to start or where to start. So I just start stop delete repeat. Maybe that should have been the title.
I want to help. That’s me. That’s what I do. But sometimes I can’t. Sometimes there are restrictions and barriers – some of which don’t need to be there. Some of which I feel are deliberately put there. But why? Some I’m able to climb over. Some I can knock down. Some make me feel really unwanted and not good enough. Some make me feel really paranoid. And some I am just having to slowly learn to bite my tongue and often ‘pretend’ that it doesn’t bother me and that it hasn’t made me feel the way it has. I then have to try and persuade myself that I shouldn’t feel like this. That I am in the wrong.
That feeling – if only it was something that I could just over ride it. Where is that line drawn of persuading myself that the feelings are allowed and valid. I always give myself a hard time.
Feeling numb and having feeling both physically and mentally. Difficult to explain. I feel low. Really low but have to keep going regardless. I think more will come clear in a separate post. But trying to hang on to any sense of feeling is hard. Having to be the strong one. If only – if only you could look inside see the pain and confusion and effort that I push through.
You’ll get to know me soon enough and things may be come more clear. So for now at the end of such a mishmash of a post: I’m not going start, stop, delete repeat. I’m going to hit the post button. and go from there for now.