If only you knew…

We all have hidden things and things that people don’t know about us. But sometimes those things try to escape. Sometimes the amount of hidden stuff fills everything. I often find myself thinking. If only you knew what this smile was hiding. 

So, for this to make sence – I have several medical conditions including issues with mental health and depression. When people find out about this they are always surprised: ‘but your always so bubbly’ ‘your always so smiley’ that bubbly and that smile is put on  I have to. 

It’s incredibly difficult and knackering and no I don’t want to have to put on a smile to hide behind but it’s what I need to do. 

It’s a daily battle. And even if a morning starts out well it usually crashes around me at some point. When my head kicks in  and I loose control that’s it. Day done. The horrid paranoia. The horrid everything crashes around me. The horrid feeling of no self worth. Self hatred and loathing. 

That’s my easiest yet hardest thing to hide behind a smile. A brave face and a ‘I’m alrite.’

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*Warning triggers*: “honesty is the best policy”said a friend. 

So. Maybe now isn’t the right time. Or maybe it is. I just don’t know. So here goes. 

Right now. I have Nobody to tell the battle that’s going through my head. 

I’ve briefly touched in my depression and my mental health on a previous post. But here’s a bit more. Well maybe a lot more. 

So, I’ve suffered from mental health issues for about 12 years or so. And only in the last couple of years have I been able to understand and put together and make sence of things. I’ve had various types and extensive counselling and therapy and seen many people. 

Ever sit there and just want to scream. “You’ve got no idea how it feels to want and need to cut deep. To draw blood. Inflict the pain and have that punishment.” It’s literally taking everything at the moment to not revisit. Everyday I have the constant reminder of my past. Engraved like roads. That have to be hidden and affect what I wear etc. 

The release is what I need and nothing yet gives the same relief. I am trying so hard not to revisit. And stay strong but it’s easier said than done. Some days it’s easier than others some days it’s louder than others.

Why do I do it? Right? Simple question. But is it. I used to punish myself with restricting food aswell but now I’m better with food because I have to cook for my partner and it’s not as easy to get away with. Some days I just can’t eat anything but those days are further apart. Cutting gives me instant relief of the built up feelings and emotions like nothing else does. The punishment and control and release. Combined is why I have to. 

For anyone else that’s reading that fights the same battle. Don’t be afraid to reach out. I’ll help you in any way I can. I’ve got to stay strong. And resist it. And I know you can too. 

Staring numb and feeling

A weird contradictory title right? I know. How can numb and feeling be together. Well let me try to explain.
I’m determined not to scrap this as I want it to actually reflect and say how I feel. Knowing me and going by previous attempts I seem to scrap before complete.

So. The reason behind the title – I keep looking at this blank page. This very page. On a screen – be it phone or computer – I look at it. I have so much I want to write but have no idea how to start or where to start. So I just start stop delete repeat. Maybe that should have been the title.

I want to help. That’s me. That’s what I do. But sometimes I can’t. Sometimes there are restrictions and barriers – some of which don’t need to be there. Some of which I feel are deliberately put there. But why?  Some I’m able to climb over. Some I can knock down. Some make me feel really unwanted and not good enough. Some make me feel really paranoid. And some I am just having to slowly learn to bite my tongue and often ‘pretend’ that it doesn’t bother me and that it hasn’t made me feel the way it has. I then have to try and persuade myself that I shouldn’t feel like this. That I am in the wrong.

That feeling – if only it was something that I could just over ride it. Where is that line drawn of persuading myself that the feelings are allowed and valid. I always give myself a hard time.

Feeling numb and having feeling both physically and mentally. Difficult to explain. I feel low. Really low but have to keep going regardless. I think more will come clear in a separate post. But trying to hang on to any sense of feeling is hard. Having to be the strong one. If only – if only you could look inside see the pain and confusion and effort that I push through.

You’ll get to know me soon enough and things may be come more clear. So for now at the end of such a mishmash of a post: I’m not going start, stop, delete repeat. I’m going to hit the post button. and go from there for now.