A question I ask myself everyday. A question I really wish I knew the answer too. If only I had a crystal ball to look into deeply.
**I will give a trigger warning for self harm just to be on the safe side. It’s not in depth but more the results of**
I always feel like my mental health battle is always there. It either haunts me or makes the past actions ruin the now. Can I let it not ruin it? On one hand yes – I guess I could. But in reality it’s just not that simple. The scars mentally and physically.
So, let’s get real. I’m 27. And the results of years of self harm is very obvious. And no it wasn’t just a teenage thing. This was early -mid 20s too. I always did it in a place it wasn’t visible. Meaning now – I can’t wear shorts in the summer, if and when I go swimming I have to wear long shorts. I guess on one hand I could just accept it and not hide it – and in theory that would be awesome. But I don’t have the confidence to do that. I’m very self conscious and I don’t think I will ever be at peace with it. So, it affects what I can wear and I think it always will.
When I’m struggling I revert to bad eating habits. I still try to punish me. I have more awareness of it now but I still fall back into it- I still can’t let go of all my coping methods. My security blanket. I don’t know. When stuff goes wrong or my mental health falls they’re what catch me.
However. The impact of my previous really bad mental health episodes now affects the the grown up things like life insurance.
So what I’m getting at is there is always that constant reminder. There is always something that keeps it present even when I’m doing ok. Now add into the mix the days that aren’t the ok days. They are still there. No rhyme or reason but they are still there. They still affect me. I’ve got more awareness of it but that isn’t enough. That doesn’t just stop it. I hope that as my awareness grows that maybe that might become enough but for now – the question is still – will I get better? Will I ever get closure and peace.
It isn’t just the aftermath of the results of. There is still the feeling and paranoia and irrational thinking on those days when it is actually happening.
I just wish – like many others – I just want to know if I’m ever going to get better. For now I’m guessing the answer would be no. It’s strength and being able to let go that will see me through. So for now my walk through treacle continues.
We all have hidden things and things that people don’t know about us. But sometimes those things try to escape. Sometimes the amount of hidden stuff fills everything. I often find myself thinking. If only you knew what this smile was hiding.
So, for this to make sence – I have several medical conditions including issues with mental health and depression. When people find out about this they are always surprised: ‘but your always so bubbly’ ‘your always so smiley’ that bubbly and that smile is put on I have to.
It’s incredibly difficult and knackering and no I don’t want to have to put on a smile to hide behind but it’s what I need to do.
It’s a daily battle. And even if a morning starts out well it usually crashes around me at some point. When my head kicks in and I loose control that’s it. Day done. The horrid paranoia. The horrid everything crashes around me. The horrid feeling of no self worth. Self hatred and loathing.
That’s my easiest yet hardest thing to hide behind a smile. A brave face and a ‘I’m alrite.’
So. Maybe now isn’t the right time. Or maybe it is. I just don’t know. So here goes.
Right now. I have Nobody to tell the battle that’s going through my head.
I’ve briefly touched in my depression and my mental health on a previous post. But here’s a bit more. Well maybe a lot more.
So, I’ve suffered from mental health issues for about 12 years or so. And only in the last couple of years have I been able to understand and put together and make sence of things. I’ve had various types and extensive counselling and therapy and seen many people.
Ever sit there and just want to scream. “You’ve got no idea how it feels to want and need to cut deep. To draw blood. Inflict the pain and have that punishment.” It’s literally taking everything at the moment to not revisit. Everyday I have the constant reminder of my past. Engraved like roads. That have to be hidden and affect what I wear etc.
The release is what I need and nothing yet gives the same relief. I am trying so hard not to revisit. And stay strong but it’s easier said than done. Some days it’s easier than others some days it’s louder than others.
Why do I do it? Right? Simple question. But is it. I used to punish myself with restricting food aswell but now I’m better with food because I have to cook for my partner and it’s not as easy to get away with. Some days I just can’t eat anything but those days are further apart. Cutting gives me instant relief of the built up feelings and emotions like nothing else does. The punishment and control and release. Combined is why I have to.
For anyone else that’s reading that fights the same battle. Don’t be afraid to reach out. I’ll help you in any way I can. I’ve got to stay strong. And resist it. And I know you can too.
A weird contradictory title right? I know. How can numb and feeling be together. Well let me try to explain.
I’m determined not to scrap this as I want it to actually reflect and say how I feel. Knowing me and going by previous attempts I seem to scrap before complete.
So. The reason behind the title – I keep looking at this blank page. This very page. On a screen – be it phone or computer – I look at it. I have so much I want to write but have no idea how to start or where to start. So I just start stop delete repeat. Maybe that should have been the title.
I want to help. That’s me. That’s what I do. But sometimes I can’t. Sometimes there are restrictions and barriers – some of which don’t need to be there. Some of which I feel are deliberately put there. But why? Some I’m able to climb over. Some I can knock down. Some make me feel really unwanted and not good enough. Some make me feel really paranoid. And some I am just having to slowly learn to bite my tongue and often ‘pretend’ that it doesn’t bother me and that it hasn’t made me feel the way it has. I then have to try and persuade myself that I shouldn’t feel like this. That I am in the wrong.
That feeling – if only it was something that I could just over ride it. Where is that line drawn of persuading myself that the feelings are allowed and valid. I always give myself a hard time.
Feeling numb and having feeling both physically and mentally. Difficult to explain. I feel low. Really low but have to keep going regardless. I think more will come clear in a separate post. But trying to hang on to any sense of feeling is hard. Having to be the strong one. If only – if only you could look inside see the pain and confusion and effort that I push through.
You’ll get to know me soon enough and things may be come more clear. So for now at the end of such a mishmash of a post: I’m not going start, stop, delete repeat. I’m going to hit the post button. and go from there for now.