A question I ask myself everyday. A question I really wish I knew the answer too. If only I had a crystal ball to look into deeply.
**I will give a trigger warning for self harm just to be on the safe side. It’s not in depth but more the results of**
I always feel like my mental health battle is always there. It either haunts me or makes the past actions ruin the now. Can I let it not ruin it? On one hand yes – I guess I could. But in reality it’s just not that simple. The scars mentally and physically.
So, let’s get real. I’m 27. And the results of years of self harm is very obvious. And no it wasn’t just a teenage thing. This was early -mid 20s too. I always did it in a place it wasn’t visible. Meaning now – I can’t wear shorts in the summer, if and when I go swimming I have to wear long shorts. I guess on one hand I could just accept it and not hide it – and in theory that would be awesome. But I don’t have the confidence to do that. I’m very self conscious and I don’t think I will ever be at peace with it. So, it affects what I can wear and I think it always will.
When I’m struggling I revert to bad eating habits. I still try to punish me. I have more awareness of it now but I still fall back into it- I still can’t let go of all my coping methods. My security blanket. I don’t know. When stuff goes wrong or my mental health falls they’re what catch me.
However. The impact of my previous really bad mental health episodes now affects the the grown up things like life insurance.
So what I’m getting at is there is always that constant reminder. There is always something that keeps it present even when I’m doing ok. Now add into the mix the days that aren’t the ok days. They are still there. No rhyme or reason but they are still there. They still affect me. I’ve got more awareness of it but that isn’t enough. That doesn’t just stop it. I hope that as my awareness grows that maybe that might become enough but for now – the question is still – will I get better? Will I ever get closure and peace.
It isn’t just the aftermath of the results of. There is still the feeling and paranoia and irrational thinking on those days when it is actually happening.
I just wish – like many others – I just want to know if I’m ever going to get better. For now I’m guessing the answer would be no. It’s strength and being able to let go that will see me through. So for now my walk through treacle continues.
A question always asked. But how do you really answer it?
I’m ok? I’m alrite? Yea good thanks?
Do you completely ignore it and ask in return?
Or do you actually answer exactly how you are?
My entire life has always been the first ones. Yea ok, alrite ta etc. It’s been a real challenge to actually answer the question honestly. And to be honest most conversations still get that answer. A few people know that’s my default and will push me further – and I always try to keep that answer strong. Some people know me and will push for an actual answer. But why do we not answer honestly from the start? Why do we feel the need to hide.
Is it denial? Is it not wanting to let people in? Is it because we think it’s weakness? Is it because it will make it real? Or make us insecure? Is it because we think the other person has enough going on, or maybe they have only asked because it’s the done thing?
What about. Maybe. Just maybe they asked because they actually care and want to know how you are. Your best friend, partner or even a complete stranger.
So next time you get asked. Think about how you’re going to answer. What have you got to loose?
What does that even mean?
Feeling ‘normal’ whats that? How can that even be defined. We are all so different. Yet – the function of the human body is based on an original mould. Through time – not everyone functions the same. Not everyone’s lungs work properly, or heart or arms or legs. So how can we possibly say it’s normal? What is?
Everyday we feel different. And I guess we feel very different now – to perhaps how humans felt many years ago. The many strains and pressures on us. The many things we do with our body that perhaps it wasn’t designed for. It wasn’t designed for sitting in-front of computers or operating small devises repeatedly with our fingers. Yet that what we all do. Right now. Phone, laptop, tablet.
No wander there is such a strain on the health system. We keep inventing things that are damaging us and putting more strain onto everything. Yet we keep doing it. We have to move on with the world. But maybe we need to stop. Look back and go back. Simplify.
I think we’ve gotten to complicated.
So, I’ve been trying to loose weight. You know like the stereotypical view of a woman. Over the last 5 years I have gained a lot of weight mostly because of my medication. But of course some of that is eating shit too. I can’t lie about that. In those 5 years I’ve had over a year off work sick and my health hasn’t been great.
So far I’ve lost a stone and a half. Which don’t get me wrong I’m happy about it but I look at the number on the scales. I look at the number on the labels. It’s just a number. But it’s not. I’m sick of it being so slow but whatever I do it’s not speeding up. So getting ready for work this morning – things are baggy and shapeless. So I leave for work not particularly happy about what I have put on.
I’ve said I want to get back to where I was before all my weight gain and this is looking further away each week when I step on the scales. It’s just a number. So stood at the bus stop this morning and I was looking back on my music profile page and begin to realise a few things. Mainly that I am trying to get back to a size that I previously achieved by being anorexic and having food issues. Now I’m not talking about the typical body image that comes into mind when you say anorexic- not the so skinny they’ll snap look or the protruding bones – don’t get me wrong – I had some but not rediculosly. I’m better with food now. I get some days where I can’t get in the right headspace but mostly fine. But it makes me wander. Am I trying to get back to something that isn’t really possible?
I mean this is the first time that I’ve even come close to recognising my previous position. Does it make me feel this is unrealistic or inachievable. No. it probly should but I still want/need to get there. Who knows if I will.
A weird contradictory title right? I know. How can numb and feeling be together. Well let me try to explain.
I’m determined not to scrap this as I want it to actually reflect and say how I feel. Knowing me and going by previous attempts I seem to scrap before complete.
So. The reason behind the title – I keep looking at this blank page. This very page. On a screen – be it phone or computer – I look at it. I have so much I want to write but have no idea how to start or where to start. So I just start stop delete repeat. Maybe that should have been the title.
I want to help. That’s me. That’s what I do. But sometimes I can’t. Sometimes there are restrictions and barriers – some of which don’t need to be there. Some of which I feel are deliberately put there. But why? Some I’m able to climb over. Some I can knock down. Some make me feel really unwanted and not good enough. Some make me feel really paranoid. And some I am just having to slowly learn to bite my tongue and often ‘pretend’ that it doesn’t bother me and that it hasn’t made me feel the way it has. I then have to try and persuade myself that I shouldn’t feel like this. That I am in the wrong.
That feeling – if only it was something that I could just over ride it. Where is that line drawn of persuading myself that the feelings are allowed and valid. I always give myself a hard time.
Feeling numb and having feeling both physically and mentally. Difficult to explain. I feel low. Really low but have to keep going regardless. I think more will come clear in a separate post. But trying to hang on to any sense of feeling is hard. Having to be the strong one. If only – if only you could look inside see the pain and confusion and effort that I push through.
You’ll get to know me soon enough and things may be come more clear. So for now at the end of such a mishmash of a post: I’m not going start, stop, delete repeat. I’m going to hit the post button. and go from there for now.