It’s just a number. 

So, I’ve been trying to loose weight. You know like the stereotypical view of a woman. Over the last 5 years I have  gained a lot of weight mostly because of my medication. But of course some of that is eating shit too. I can’t lie about that. In those 5 years I’ve had over a year off work sick and my health hasn’t been great. 

So far I’ve lost a stone and a half. Which don’t get me wrong I’m happy about it but I look at the number on the scales. I look at the number on the labels. It’s just a number. But it’s not. I’m sick of it being so slow but whatever I do it’s not speeding up. So getting ready for work this morning – things are baggy and shapeless. So I leave for work not particularly happy about what I have put on. 

I’ve said I want to get back to where I was before all my weight gain and this is looking further away each week when I step on the scales. It’s just a number. So stood at the bus stop this morning and I was looking back on my music profile page and begin to realise a few things. Mainly that I am trying to get back to a size that I previously achieved by being anorexic and having food issues. Now I’m not talking about the typical body image that comes into mind when you say anorexic- not the so skinny they’ll snap look or the protruding bones – don’t get me wrong – I had some but not rediculosly. I’m better with food now. I get some days where I can’t get in the right headspace but mostly fine. But it makes me wander. Am I trying to get back to something that isn’t really possible? 

I mean this is the first time that I’ve even come close to recognising my previous position. Does it make me feel this is unrealistic or inachievable. No. it probly should but I still want/need to get there. Who knows if I will. 

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