If only you knew…

We all have hidden things and things that people don’t know about us. But sometimes those things try to escape. Sometimes the amount of hidden stuff fills everything. I often find myself thinking. If only you knew what this smile was hiding. 

So, for this to make sence – I have several medical conditions including issues with mental health and depression. When people find out about this they are always surprised: ‘but your always so bubbly’ ‘your always so smiley’ that bubbly and that smile is put on  I have to. 

It’s incredibly difficult and knackering and no I don’t want to have to put on a smile to hide behind but it’s what I need to do. 

It’s a daily battle. And even if a morning starts out well it usually crashes around me at some point. When my head kicks in  and I loose control that’s it. Day done. The horrid paranoia. The horrid everything crashes around me. The horrid feeling of no self worth. Self hatred and loathing. 

That’s my easiest yet hardest thing to hide behind a smile. A brave face and a ‘I’m alrite.’

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