Feeling as I feel,
Thinking as I do.
Out of control spirals line my view
Some days more so than others
They never leave my mind.
The hurt and pain
That will always stain
My thoughts and feelings going forward.
All through growing up at school everyone is so quick to point out our flaws. What’s not perfect, or anything that makes us slightly different. For me my primary school was tainted by my hair colouring – a red head and school kids is an unkind mix. The fact that I talked a lot – just general chit chat. As I got older – my hair colouring taunts stayed with me, This time accompanied by the fact that I am adopted. When I was 11 I got barricaded out of my form room by people in my class and ‘shut up ‘dopty girl!’ Chanted in my direction. They wander why mental health cases are on the rise. Methods of bullying are on the increase. With technology and social media there isn’t an escape from it like perhaps there were years ago.
My school childhood was shaped as above.
The thoughts of others
Found me Each and every day
No matter where I tried to hide away.
Will there ever be an end in sight.
A new day a fresh start
So why does it still hurt
After years of feeling in the dirt.
You’d think One day it’ll leave me be.
So no matter how many years ago this all started. And no matter how many years it went on for it still feels raw and still sits and haunts. If it was as easy as waking up and it all being done the problems would have all gone. I feel like a massive fail with pathways carved with me for good. It’s a hidden secret rarely revealed. I felt like a fail both then and now because the out of control spirals and my mental health route. The route I’ve been on still doesn’t seem to ever pass. It makes me feel like a broken human. And make me wander if I’m actually fit for purpose.
I can’t help but feel that if I was fit for purpose I’d be better healed now. Or stronger yet and had let go easier. The memories they stay with. I’d rather they left but it shaped me to who I am.
I’m not completely sure yet if who I am is good.
I still don’t love me
And hopefully you’ll understand both day and night
An Internally hidden battle I still fight
but visually there’s none.
I still don’t know exactly how I am.
I still don’t know if I’m actually fit
Do I even know what my purpose is?
Maybe I can only guess. But right now.
For now, I don’t feel fit for purpose