Would I listen to my future self?

*trigger alert*

So. When my world was crumbling – several years ago now. My home life was awful. My school life sucked. And everything just got to much. I felt it was all my fault. I felt I couldn’t ever do anything right or be the person that was expected of me. My depression kicked in. My food restriction started. And self inflicted wounds began appearing. It was so easy to hide it all. Harm in places people can’t see. ‘Eat’ alone away from people and actually bin it, or hide away during lunch breaks or ‘I’d already eaten’ – whatever I could at the time. Loosing weight – I added layers. Harming on hidden body parts. It all spiralled out of control.

It helped and made me feel better and more In control of something. When the next step of harming happened… although failed – it just adds to complications.

No one tells you that due to unhealthy behaviours and out of control actions and desperate measures to just try to get by. All of these in the past – your never aware of the impact it would cause later.

We have a mortgage – I cannot get life insurance – reason: previous history in mental health. Not all the physical health stuff I have happening. My history and out of control happenings due to my damaged mental health.

If I had known the issues it would cause – would It have prevented it, reduced it or changed it? No, probably not. Reason being at that time – it’s what I needed to do. I hated me and needed to be punished and have some sort of control. Even if recent years it has been such a battle to try not to go back into those behaviours. It hasn’t been easy – my head keeps trying. But I need a clean few years for the sake of my partner. If something was to happen to me – he’s stuck.

Reality of control and self damaging behaviours – remain the ghost on my shoulder haunting me daily. But even if I could tell my younger self the problems it causes Years later. I know I wouldn’t have listened because the future was the least cared about thing on my mind.

We are stuck in a world of negativity and self neglection and self loathing – no message can get through.

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