The power of a key

Isn’t it funny how keys play such an important part of our life. I mean have you ever thought about it?

They open doors, windows, safes, cars and some would say they open hearts, memories  and minds too. It’s not just opening though. It’s closing, securing and keeping it that way. 

Imagine that. Imagine how different things would be if an actual physical key was needed to access memories, hearts and minds?  Maybe even a different key to each of those things. I can tell you one thing for sure – the key to my memories would have been thrown away a long long time ago. Imagine that. That may have been the key and the answer to a happier life, locking away all the sh*t that haunts me everyday and night. The rubbish that I can’t let go of. It influences and affects me daily. Always makes me wonder if I will ever be free of it all. I work so hard to understand it and to work through it. I work so hard to try and understand why I react the way I do. I’ve had years of various therapy and the last lot was the closest I’ve gotten to starting to pull the jumbled mess apart. Strand by strand. But it always has to come to an end somewhere. Sometimes the start it not quite enough.

Imagine your current key ring, with your door key, perhaps a car key and maybe a key to work. Now imagine it with a key to your heart, a key to your mind and memories. Would you change the locks and make them all the same? How about allowing others entry and cutting those keys to give to a select few – the selection is up to you. You don’t have to worry about your emotions or your mouth giving things away that you don’t want to.

There’s another key. A key to emotions – ha – I wish I had one of those. It just shows how many things could be controlled by key access. But what is a key exactly? ‘A small metal object’ I hear you say. Does it have to be? How about a code or fingerprint that can be added and removed as needed. 

Anything that could unlock and open the secure closure. If only so simply implemented. 


Unusual way to start

So. Perhaps this isn’t the usual way to start a blog. But then that’s me. I’m not the usual.

I always try to go above and beyond. Across the board with no limitations. But it never feels like quite enough. I mean what is it that makes it so easy to fail. What is it that makes it not good enough.

Am I a clear window that you can look through?

Am I a clouded window where shapes and colors merge?

Or am I a window with a blind pulled down and a picture always displayed?

It’s never easy to completely display true feelings. It’s never easy to reach out when it’s really needed. In fact that’s near impossible. It’s so much easier to put on an exterior to hide the damage inside, to hide the pure angst and truth behind one exterior for everyone to see. Yes it’s easier to a point but it’s also really hard and exhausting.

But that’s exactly what I do. I can’t reach out for help when I need it. No matter how hard I try. I switch into self destruct mode. But I can’t tell anyone.

But that’s me. That’s the way I operate.  That’s the circle and the viscious loop I seem to go around the edge of. I say that’s me but I think I spend more days not knowing me than I do knowing. I’m not an open book. Far from it. I come with baggage. And lots of it. I don’t have an instruction manual either.

I’m on this wild cycle of years, months, weeks, and days. All a recurring cycle. With only some things being predictable. Like the order that the days fall. And the fact there’s morning and night.

Uncertainties and the unknown just examples of things that throw me off track unfortunately more regularly than I’d like

So who am I? I’m a 25 year old female  divorce free and children free  I live with my partner whom I love very much. I didn’t go to uni but I’m not a high school drop out.I went to school and college whilst my world was falling down around me. Seemed impossible to escape from. And that was years ago. Yet that’s something that hasn’t changed.

So that’s a little about me. Let’s get going shall we?