A question I ask myself everyday. A question I really wish I knew the answer too. If only I had a crystal ball to look into deeply.
**I will give a trigger warning for self harm just to be on the safe side. It’s not in depth but more the results of**
I always feel like my mental health battle is always there. It either haunts me or makes the past actions ruin the now. Can I let it not ruin it? On one hand yes – I guess I could. But in reality it’s just not that simple. The scars mentally and physically.
So, let’s get real. I’m 27. And the results of years of self harm is very obvious. And no it wasn’t just a teenage thing. This was early -mid 20s too. I always did it in a place it wasn’t visible. Meaning now – I can’t wear shorts in the summer, if and when I go swimming I have to wear long shorts. I guess on one hand I could just accept it and not hide it – and in theory that would be awesome. But I don’t have the confidence to do that. I’m very self conscious and I don’t think I will ever be at peace with it. So, it affects what I can wear and I think it always will.
When I’m struggling I revert to bad eating habits. I still try to punish me. I have more awareness of it now but I still fall back into it- I still can’t let go of all my coping methods. My security blanket. I don’t know. When stuff goes wrong or my mental health falls they’re what catch me.
However. The impact of my previous really bad mental health episodes now affects the the grown up things like life insurance.
So what I’m getting at is there is always that constant reminder. There is always something that keeps it present even when I’m doing ok. Now add into the mix the days that aren’t the ok days. They are still there. No rhyme or reason but they are still there. They still affect me. I’ve got more awareness of it but that isn’t enough. That doesn’t just stop it. I hope that as my awareness grows that maybe that might become enough but for now – the question is still – will I get better? Will I ever get closure and peace.
It isn’t just the aftermath of the results of. There is still the feeling and paranoia and irrational thinking on those days when it is actually happening.
I just wish – like many others – I just want to know if I’m ever going to get better. For now I’m guessing the answer would be no. It’s strength and being able to let go that will see me through. So for now my walk through treacle continues.
Me. Something else or someone else. So many times one of these fits in. The amount of times I wish I could just buy a one way ticket to escape and not come back. Or to escape from something or someone else. So maybe actually. Instead of sending another away I should just always send me? That way I escape either way. Right?
If only so simple. What about me escaping me. What about if there was the ability to escape our minds permanently. Or pain or tiredness. And no. I don’t mean just start taking or smoking drugs. That’s not what I’m getting at.
If someone said here’s a one way ticket for anything or anyone. Would you want to use it? What would you choose? I know I’d want to use it. But for what? So let’s prioritise.
- Pain – as a fibromyalgia sufferer with spinal issues – pain is something I experience every day and only it’s severity varies. Would I want to send that on its way. YES! Of course! I’d love to be pain free. I’d love to be able to make plans and stick to them and do things I used to do. **Now I know I am not worse off and I know there are so many worse than me. So please no one take this like that.**
- Mental health – many things over the years have lead to many mental health issues. I’ve had many counselling/psychotherapy etc and I still struggle. Of course. I would love to send my mental health issues and paranoia away on a one way ticket.
- Me – Maybe leaving everything and removing myself from the situation – being my day to day life and starting over – trouble here is – I am then removing my self and taking the same issues to somewhere else.
- Send other people: There’s way to many people I would send on a one way ticket but that list would be never ending.
One way ticket…. not as easy as it sounds.
A question always asked. But how do you really answer it?
I’m ok? I’m alrite? Yea good thanks?
Do you completely ignore it and ask in return?
Or do you actually answer exactly how you are?
My entire life has always been the first ones. Yea ok, alrite ta etc. It’s been a real challenge to actually answer the question honestly. And to be honest most conversations still get that answer. A few people know that’s my default and will push me further – and I always try to keep that answer strong. Some people know me and will push for an actual answer. But why do we not answer honestly from the start? Why do we feel the need to hide.
Is it denial? Is it not wanting to let people in? Is it because we think it’s weakness? Is it because it will make it real? Or make us insecure? Is it because we think the other person has enough going on, or maybe they have only asked because it’s the done thing?
What about. Maybe. Just maybe they asked because they actually care and want to know how you are. Your best friend, partner or even a complete stranger.
So next time you get asked. Think about how you’re going to answer. What have you got to loose?
What does that even mean?
Feeling ‘normal’ whats that? How can that even be defined. We are all so different. Yet – the function of the human body is based on an original mould. Through time – not everyone functions the same. Not everyone’s lungs work properly, or heart or arms or legs. So how can we possibly say it’s normal? What is?
Everyday we feel different. And I guess we feel very different now – to perhaps how humans felt many years ago. The many strains and pressures on us. The many things we do with our body that perhaps it wasn’t designed for. It wasn’t designed for sitting in-front of computers or operating small devises repeatedly with our fingers. Yet that what we all do. Right now. Phone, laptop, tablet.
No wander there is such a strain on the health system. We keep inventing things that are damaging us and putting more strain onto everything. Yet we keep doing it. We have to move on with the world. But maybe we need to stop. Look back and go back. Simplify.
I think we’ve gotten to complicated.
So, I’ve been trying to loose weight. You know like the stereotypical view of a woman. Over the last 5 years I have gained a lot of weight mostly because of my medication. But of course some of that is eating shit too. I can’t lie about that. In those 5 years I’ve had over a year off work sick and my health hasn’t been great.
So far I’ve lost a stone and a half. Which don’t get me wrong I’m happy about it but I look at the number on the scales. I look at the number on the labels. It’s just a number. But it’s not. I’m sick of it being so slow but whatever I do it’s not speeding up. So getting ready for work this morning – things are baggy and shapeless. So I leave for work not particularly happy about what I have put on.
I’ve said I want to get back to where I was before all my weight gain and this is looking further away each week when I step on the scales. It’s just a number. So stood at the bus stop this morning and I was looking back on my music profile page and begin to realise a few things. Mainly that I am trying to get back to a size that I previously achieved by being anorexic and having food issues. Now I’m not talking about the typical body image that comes into mind when you say anorexic- not the so skinny they’ll snap look or the protruding bones – don’t get me wrong – I had some but not rediculosly. I’m better with food now. I get some days where I can’t get in the right headspace but mostly fine. But it makes me wander. Am I trying to get back to something that isn’t really possible?
I mean this is the first time that I’ve even come close to recognising my previous position. Does it make me feel this is unrealistic or inachievable. No. it probly should but I still want/need to get there. Who knows if I will.
We all have hidden things and things that people don’t know about us. But sometimes those things try to escape. Sometimes the amount of hidden stuff fills everything. I often find myself thinking. If only you knew what this smile was hiding.
So, for this to make sence – I have several medical conditions including issues with mental health and depression. When people find out about this they are always surprised: ‘but your always so bubbly’ ‘your always so smiley’ that bubbly and that smile is put on I have to.
It’s incredibly difficult and knackering and no I don’t want to have to put on a smile to hide behind but it’s what I need to do.
It’s a daily battle. And even if a morning starts out well it usually crashes around me at some point. When my head kicks in and I loose control that’s it. Day done. The horrid paranoia. The horrid everything crashes around me. The horrid feeling of no self worth. Self hatred and loathing.
That’s my easiest yet hardest thing to hide behind a smile. A brave face and a ‘I’m alrite.’
So. Maybe now isn’t the right time. Or maybe it is. I just don’t know. So here goes.
Right now. I have Nobody to tell the battle that’s going through my head.
I’ve briefly touched in my depression and my mental health on a previous post. But here’s a bit more. Well maybe a lot more.
So, I’ve suffered from mental health issues for about 12 years or so. And only in the last couple of years have I been able to understand and put together and make sence of things. I’ve had various types and extensive counselling and therapy and seen many people.
Ever sit there and just want to scream. “You’ve got no idea how it feels to want and need to cut deep. To draw blood. Inflict the pain and have that punishment.” It’s literally taking everything at the moment to not revisit. Everyday I have the constant reminder of my past. Engraved like roads. That have to be hidden and affect what I wear etc.
The release is what I need and nothing yet gives the same relief. I am trying so hard not to revisit. And stay strong but it’s easier said than done. Some days it’s easier than others some days it’s louder than others.
Why do I do it? Right? Simple question. But is it. I used to punish myself with restricting food aswell but now I’m better with food because I have to cook for my partner and it’s not as easy to get away with. Some days I just can’t eat anything but those days are further apart. Cutting gives me instant relief of the built up feelings and emotions like nothing else does. The punishment and control and release. Combined is why I have to.
For anyone else that’s reading that fights the same battle. Don’t be afraid to reach out. I’ll help you in any way I can. I’ve got to stay strong. And resist it. And I know you can too.
A weird contradictory title right? I know. How can numb and feeling be together. Well let me try to explain.
I’m determined not to scrap this as I want it to actually reflect and say how I feel. Knowing me and going by previous attempts I seem to scrap before complete.
So. The reason behind the title – I keep looking at this blank page. This very page. On a screen – be it phone or computer – I look at it. I have so much I want to write but have no idea how to start or where to start. So I just start stop delete repeat. Maybe that should have been the title.
I want to help. That’s me. That’s what I do. But sometimes I can’t. Sometimes there are restrictions and barriers – some of which don’t need to be there. Some of which I feel are deliberately put there. But why? Some I’m able to climb over. Some I can knock down. Some make me feel really unwanted and not good enough. Some make me feel really paranoid. And some I am just having to slowly learn to bite my tongue and often ‘pretend’ that it doesn’t bother me and that it hasn’t made me feel the way it has. I then have to try and persuade myself that I shouldn’t feel like this. That I am in the wrong.
That feeling – if only it was something that I could just over ride it. Where is that line drawn of persuading myself that the feelings are allowed and valid. I always give myself a hard time.
Feeling numb and having feeling both physically and mentally. Difficult to explain. I feel low. Really low but have to keep going regardless. I think more will come clear in a separate post. But trying to hang on to any sense of feeling is hard. Having to be the strong one. If only – if only you could look inside see the pain and confusion and effort that I push through.
You’ll get to know me soon enough and things may be come more clear. So for now at the end of such a mishmash of a post: I’m not going start, stop, delete repeat. I’m going to hit the post button. and go from there for now.
Isn’t it funny how keys play such an important part of our life. I mean have you ever thought about it?
They open doors, windows, safes, cars and some would say they open hearts, memories and minds too. It’s not just opening though. It’s closing, securing and keeping it that way.
Imagine that. Imagine how different things would be if an actual physical key was needed to access memories, hearts and minds? Maybe even a different key to each of those things. I can tell you one thing for sure – the key to my memories would have been thrown away a long long time ago. Imagine that. That may have been the key and the answer to a happier life, locking away all the sh*t that haunts me everyday and night. The rubbish that I can’t let go of. It influences and affects me daily. Always makes me wonder if I will ever be free of it all. I work so hard to understand it and to work through it. I work so hard to try and understand why I react the way I do. I’ve had years of various therapy and the last lot was the closest I’ve gotten to starting to pull the jumbled mess apart. Strand by strand. But it always has to come to an end somewhere. Sometimes the start it not quite enough.
Imagine your current key ring, with your door key, perhaps a car key and maybe a key to work. Now imagine it with a key to your heart, a key to your mind and memories. Would you change the locks and make them all the same? How about allowing others entry and cutting those keys to give to a select few – the selection is up to you. You don’t have to worry about your emotions or your mouth giving things away that you don’t want to.
There’s another key. A key to emotions – ha – I wish I had one of those. It just shows how many things could be controlled by key access. But what is a key exactly? ‘A small metal object’ I hear you say. Does it have to be? How about a code or fingerprint that can be added and removed as needed.
Anything that could unlock and open the secure closure. If only so simply implemented.
So. Perhaps this isn’t the usual way to start a blog. But then that’s me. I’m not the usual.
I always try to go above and beyond. Across the board with no limitations. But it never feels like quite enough. I mean what is it that makes it so easy to fail. What is it that makes it not good enough.
Am I a clear window that you can look through?
Am I a clouded window where shapes and colors merge?
Or am I a window with a blind pulled down and a picture always displayed?
It’s never easy to completely display true feelings. It’s never easy to reach out when it’s really needed. In fact that’s near impossible. It’s so much easier to put on an exterior to hide the damage inside, to hide the pure angst and truth behind one exterior for everyone to see. Yes it’s easier to a point but it’s also really hard and exhausting.
But that’s exactly what I do. I can’t reach out for help when I need it. No matter how hard I try. I switch into self destruct mode. But I can’t tell anyone.
But that’s me. That’s the way I operate. That’s the circle and the viscious loop I seem to go around the edge of. I say that’s me but I think I spend more days not knowing me than I do knowing. I’m not an open book. Far from it. I come with baggage. And lots of it. I don’t have an instruction manual either.
I’m on this wild cycle of years, months, weeks, and days. All a recurring cycle. With only some things being predictable. Like the order that the days fall. And the fact there’s morning and night.
Uncertainties and the unknown just examples of things that throw me off track unfortunately more regularly than I’d like
So who am I? I’m a 25 year old female divorce free and children free I live with my partner whom I love very much. I didn’t go to uni but I’m not a high school drop out.I went to school and college whilst my world was falling down around me. Seemed impossible to escape from. And that was years ago. Yet that’s something that hasn’t changed.
So that’s a little about me. Let’s get going shall we?